The first 5 kg

WOHOOO finally I have lost 5 kg. !!!

I am also wearing a size 14 top today. I feel really good and its given me motivation to move forward again..

My wedding dress should arrive at my house today.. yes I am about to pop..
SOO excited !

I need to run 3 more times by Tuesday and I need to do a walk and weights session. I know this is good for me.. #getfit is what this is about not lose weight.. I need to keep reminding myself weight loss is a side effect from getting fit !!

The mental head f*ck

Grr I hate love the scales in my bathroom. I really do.. sometimes they make me so happy other times.. so pissed off I want to throw them...

Today is a throw them out the window day.
I have run 4 times this week and completed 1 x walk weight session, so far hoping to squeeze in another tonight but I have a late meeting that goes till 7, the gotta get home etc before its dark but I am sure I can do it. So you would think will all that exercise I would be up for an awesome loss.. NOT I have gained 400 grams.. pretty not happy over here.. pretty annoyed. With the extra weight I am carrying you would think burning an average of 600 cals plus per run I would be seeing a great loss. NOPE not anything nada nothing !

I am going to take my measurements tonight as I think they will help on days like today.

Positives: I feel a hell of a lot better most of the time within myself. I am shrinking the doosh pants prove that. I am getting fit and healthy. 

I need to focus on the getting fit and back to running 5 kms three - four times a week instead of the losing weight side if this. Just it's sooo hard when all I want is those scales to move and give me some gratification especially with the wedding only 2 months away and all the hard work I am doing..

Just and FYI my food has been great I stick to my points and have eaten 5 of my exercise points back. So far I have earned 34 exercise points with the intention of earning more today. My week is Wed - Tues for food and exercise and weight watchers weigh in, but I weigh in for this blog on a friday.

I am wondering if I need to up my protien intake a wee bit.. might look at that for next week.

Tonight though I will measure myself.

Doosh pants

A while ago I brought a pair of doosh pants size 16 .. I love these pants and have wanted them for years.. Weather they suit me will be another thing to look into. 

 When I got them I couldn't get them over my knees... Tonight I tried them on and I got them nearly all the way up.. I jumped and down with excitement and yelled at Wayne to come look. He was like yeah you are shrinking... I just can't see it.... 

I know I am enjoying running and challenging myself more... 

I am not enjoying the scales.. These pants tell me the running and enjoying it is way better pay off then the scales will ever be.. 

My father I'm law to be also comments I had lost weight today, he is one to comment if he notices soo. A good day. 

I ran for a total of 18 mins today pleased with that too! 

This is for me... No one else.. #getfit 

Focused

I am now quiet focused on me.. my exercise is defiantly not where I want it.. but my eating is. If I can manage a week like I have just had and still lose weight I m a happy camper.

I will weigh in tomorrow morning. I had a good loss at ww.. but my blog weight is my thursday morning weigh in at home.

My run today was CRAP!! Really crap.. it hurt I had to push but I got it done. I even ran up some of the nasty bloody hill!!

10 weeks 3 days till the wedding.. to me thats 10 kgs if I can make it.. I can not wait to crack 105, and then out of the 100's for good..

Someone asked me how I will handle that being / getting pregnant and my weight. My answer is I will do my best. As I am aware I gain weight really quickly I know I will need to exercise and watch what I eat during this time. I also know.. right now.. no point even thinking about it.

I am in love with COLD water atm.. it has to be cold cold.. not freezing but that really nice fridge cold.

Tomorrow is walk and weight day and then weights. This is about me.. going to try on some of my clothes this weekend.. I have a pair of size 16 Doosh pants that I couldn't get over my fat thighs.. heres hoping..!!

Trying to keep it balanced

Yesterday was my "hens" do. we had a high tea at the Stamford Plaza and it was lovely, but I ate to much and then we went to Wendy's for dinner, I had a taco salad but its still not to best thing to be eating. We have eaten our 2 nights this week as well due to having friends here from Dunedin as well. Again I managed that well, had salad and a dessert of sorbet the first night and just a salad the next, no booze either nights. I am proud of this and normally I would have just gone over board and just pigged out.

This weeks exercise has been a little lack laster, but I am back on track over the past two days, and I am starting to love it again. I love the fact I can push myself both with the running and the weight/resistance side of things. I am enjoying it so much, and yesterday I just felt soo much better when out running, and again today I was like this isnt bad how long can I go for and then pushed for the 10 mins.. I know some people will be like yeah yeah you have been here before and fallen flat on your face how many times.. well guess what, I am trying thats all I can do and I am trying my best. Its better than eating a chocolate bar to deal with it.

The wedding is now 10 weeks 6 days away I am aiming to lose about 10 kgs by then.. or as much as I can. I do know that doing the weights etc will help with toning. But for now my face has shrunk and that makes me happy and my tummy has as well.. My arms well.. spray tan will help with that and guess what.. I am doing my best..

When you think what has happened to me in the last 12 - 18 months I am doing ok.
I changed year levels, was horrendously sick with my stomach issues and because of them ended up pilling on weight, I have lost 2 grandparents, moved into my house and changed year levels at work.. I think I am doing ok, actually I know I am. Yes I am not where I would love to be, 80 kgs and I wont make that by the wedding but that is ok. My dress made me feel like a princess when I had it one at the dress fitting and that is all I can ask for. Honestly.. weight and size does not define me and I am sick of putting myself worth in it.. Instead I will do my best.. and try my hardest and some days it will be harder than others and some days my hardest wont be enough.. but that's all I can do.

We are going to Rarotonga in late September.. I want to wear togs on public.. thats huge for me.. so even once  we are married this journey to be healthy will continue.. we are also wanting to start a family in the next 12-ish months soo I need to be healthy for that too and well, if I can get myself healthier now I can stay that way while pregnant etc too.

Comparison

6 week difference loss of 3.5 kgs

Two weeks two losses

Really happy. I managed two weeks og losses at weigh in. Now this may sound like a normal thing but for me right now my weight is stubborn and I am trying hard as I can to be positive.

I set a goal this week (thursday to wednesday) 3 x c25km session 2 x walk and weights

Why, because exercise is good for my mind and stress levels and it helps with weight loss.

I am very snowed under at work and the wedding and I have my hens do this Saturday and people here for the weekend. So right now.. I come first, what I want comes first!

So a dinner out and a high tea to negotiate this week. I can do it.. just need to look at my choices and drink lots of water.

I will post some photos on Saturday too. On my jeans and singlet

Freaking out...

I get marred in 11 weeks and 6 days and I am working hard on eating well and exercising and have been for 2 - 3 weeks and I am not seeing the results I want to see, I am just hoping all my hard work pays off at some point.

I have been pretty good with my food maybe 1-2 over days in that hole time and that would have been countered by all my exercise for that week. So I should really be seeing more of a loss than the 400 grams I got last week.

I am trying not to let this get me down but it is scaring me, I used to find losing weight so easy before having my gallbladder removed, now i fight for every 100 grams and its a bit frustrating to say the least.

I am doing weights and a walk 2-3 times a week and 3 c25km session a week. I should see a change in my weight, well at least with that I know I will see a change in my shape. I am a bit sore after the mild weights a did today but I know this will improve. I have also up my incidental exercise at both work and home as I make myself do things and walk about.

I am hoping to report a loss at some point this week but after friday nights dinner and wine tasting I am still waiting for my weight to sort itself out! My ring is still tight so I am guessing i am retaining fluid... possibly...

Rant over!

New month...

Hi all, 

Sorry for the wee absence. 

My Nan passed away on the 13th of January and well since then life has a been a bit up and down and I am struggling at times but I am getting there. I miss her immensely and its the small things, I cant chat to her about things and well just listen to her as she always made me feel better. 

Weight loss wise.. the scales are finally going down with me being able to be consistent and also I have been back at weight watchers for 2 meetings and I started the c25km challenge last week. I even ran last night between a meeting and school finishing so I didn't miss my run and could make it to the later weight watchers meeting as well.. 

I come first now. Me, my needs wants desires and dreams. 

We went to a wedding last friday and someone took a picture of my back and to my horror I had fat rolls.. I think that is currently what is giving me the passion to drive this forward as I do not want them in 12 weeks time to ruin or upset me on my wedding day. 

My weight loss to dates ( I went back to 110 odd kgs so since 28th ish of Jan) is about 2 kgs. I only lost 400 grams this week, I am thinking it could be the running or also the fact I skipped my sugar pills and started taking the next lot of normal pills on my contraceptive.. Who actually knows but I am just going to keep going. 

Focusing on myself

So in the last week I have been to a funeral, one of my school friends has passed away and my Nana has been told she has not got long to live. Now last year this would have sent me eating and binging for a good few days, instead I had one bad meal ( same day as funeral ) and I have moved on.

I went to weight watchers and weighed in I have gained 900 grams since the last time I went which I was happy with.

I am motivated! So far this week ( my weeks go Wednesday to Tuesday to match weigh in's) I have been for a 6 km walk and dug and lugged dirt around my garden for 2 hours solid, so I have earned 20 exercise points already which I am proud of as its only day three of my week.

Its nearly TTOM so the scales are all over the show but will settle next week I know they will show my hard work, and if they don't, I DON'T CARE I feel a lot better and I am mentally a lot healthier for the good food and the exercise and water.

Next week I will possibly head to dunedin, Nan does not have long they have said days to weeks, so things will go down hill and I will head down there to be support for my Grandad at that time. I WILL pack my exercise gear and walk for 60 mins each day to keep that mental balance for myself.
I also need to go into work and start working on my class and groups and things for this coming year I also need to do some planning and place things up on the walls etc. I cant lay out my classroom until after the cleaners come and that is annoying too. Wayne has said he will come and help me if I need him to at the weekends as I might end up in Dunedin right up until I need to be back at work etc.

Its hard but I am doing a lot better than I thought I would knowing what is happening and that I will basically lose my Mum in the coming weeks.

I need to go grocery shopping again today, run out of veg and fruit and Wayne has suggested I get my nails done next week after weigh in if I lose weight as a positive reinforcement, I may just do that.


PS: 4 months today until the wedding hehehe EEEEK can't wait!

Ohhh muscles hurt

Ohh ouch my muscles  hurt so I have walked 4kms today instead of the 7.75kms I have done  the past  two days. I am feeling better in myself and  my control eith sugar cravings is getting  better. I am trying really hard to not eat shit to and be balanced in my food choices but nit restrictive as I know this causes me to binge so trying hard. Water intake is good so far must keep it up.

I have been weighing myself  when I get up so the time varies which is giving me  funny weights but the general consenses is it going down so thats positive. I do know I will go up when  I weigh in at weight watchers on Wednesday but that's  ok as I go for the support and motivator instead of that bit.

Last  night I cooked a Mexican bean and mince  dish it was really unusual and an awesome change!

Today we are applying fir passports so we can book our honeymoon in  rarotonga ohh yes! I will  never wear a bikini but buying a nice swimsuit and  feeling  somewhat comfortable in it is good motivation to keep me on track. I also have split  the jobs  for the wedding up and  will make Wayne do some of it as I have done so much of it already! Trying to reduce my stress levels aswell.

Things are good, emotional eating is getting better.

Beating the mental battle

On the 2nd of January we had 2 people pass  away, one my friend from school and  my other halfs great uncle both from cancer and both diagnosed as terminal. Life at times is just so unfair but it goes on and as time goes  by we adjust and get used to the absence, never  forgotten  just absent  from the goings  on.

Today I called my Nan and  she was freezing  and  not feeling very well as she  has been having  chest pains. Sadly there is nothing  I can do for her but it still isn't very nice for her at all.

I choose not to eat my feelings and  I am trying to come to terms with the fact she may bot be here much longer.

I have walked today which I believe helps me with keeping things balanced mentally. Food is on track and  I am on my 2 nd bottle of water. I do have  control over this and my choices soo I will improve  my situation.

New year hopefully a better year

I have spent  the last 12 months going through periods of trying  to lose  weight  but nothing  has stuck really. I have counted calories ran, biked and gone  to the gym the result has been, another year  has gone  by and I am heavier than ever. There has been a few ups and downs  more than one would  ever like but that really isn't an excuse as I should learn to control my emotions and not eat etc but that is what happened. 2 deaths one very sick parent/grandparent work stress, house stress and wedding stress = me weighing in at 109.6 kgs today.

I am  not ashamed anymore  just bloody determined to sort out this wee mess.

I MUST:
*Put myself first others problems come  second
*Realise I can not fix everything
*Exercise  its good for my mind  body and  stress levels
*Stop blaming things and  people
*Treat myself better

Today I have walked tracked and  watered well so far.

I finally did something for me

I brought a wind trainer that I can attach to my bike so I can spin on wet days.
SOO today I went spinning.. my butt hurts but for the firs time in a long time I feel a hell of a lot better.

Moving forward... things are good..

I am pretty unhappy with what I see in the mirror, it scares the hell out of me. I really makes me so down on myself. I am so gutted with how far I have let this go, I only have one way to sort this out.. I need to exercise and be way more mindful about what I am eating .. I need to stop eating for no reason and letting my emotions get the better of me.
I can do this... I have done it before.. BUT I need to put me first.. I need to make exercise and what I need a bigger priority for myself.

I promise myself I am going to put myself first.

The reality of the situation

I have been seeing the nutrionist for 5 weeks and I haven't lost any weight ...... 

In that five weeks I have learnt to deal with stress and nail a lot of my binge eating in the head. 

But I am only just coping at the moment... My nana is in hospital, nana/mum. And it is killing me. My poor wee genadad is just coping with it all and I am left to feel usless and miles away from them. She is soo unhappy but mendically she is getting better. She is very very frail and just and no more getting better while other things are going wrong. She has lost so much weight by not eating as she has a few swill owing issues and she is losing her mental capacity which we are not to sure as to why. She is under there somewhere still my Nana... 

I am going back down there next week from Thursday night to Monday night... Adter I have been wedding dress shopping omfg... I am soo huge right now I am unsure how this will go and the effect it may have on me mentally. Let's hope I don't come out even. Ore down about my weight than I currently am. 

I am looking forward to seeing my girls in Wellington and hoping it will give me a chance to relax... Well her is hoping anyway. 

I plan to by an indoor cycle trainer this weekend so I can get moving. I am hoping that will improve my mental state and stress levels on my return from all my visiting. Since I can't get out walking ATM. 

I can do this..... I bloody well can. 

Hmmm.. thanks Dr Libby

After reading the below

1. Address overconsumption of food: If you do overeat at times even though you know you would be better off not doing so, then getting to the bottom of why you do this could change your life. Start by asking yourself what food means to you. If your answer is emotional e.g love, fun, comfort, then you need to explore your relationship with food.

2. Check your thyroid: The thyroid gland is a little butterfly shaped gland that sits in your throat area. It makes hormones that play an enormous role in your metabolic rate as well as your temperature regulation. The thyroid gland can become over-active or under-active and it is the latter scenario that can lead to weight gain that is incredibly difficult to shift until this issue is addressed.

3. Simple Swaps: Consider whether you are using caffeine to amp yourself up and wine to wind down. Simply swap caffeine for green tea and wine for sparkling water to give your nervous system a break, which can influence fat burning and appetite. 

From http://www.drlibby.com/weight-loss/why-cant-i-lose-weight/ 

Wow good thinking points for me! I have actually changed these things 1 and 3.. no thyroid issues for me been checked by Dr... 

BUT I needed to change my behaviors especially caffeine. I am starting to feel a lot better about things and about how the world is working for me. Even though work is full on nuts mad and I feel that 99% of the time I am chasing my tail and never get caught up on things. I am looking forward to the holidays and getting a break from the work side of life. 

Making good choices

I feel really balanced and I am learning to live with my choices and not beat myself up. I am learning to let things go and stop being so mentally abusive to myself.
I am working on this and tracking no matter what happens this week are my goal.

My nutritionist.. Nicola @ eatwellnz is soo lovely friendly and kind. She is not a big bad growl at you for falling off the wagon type. She is the we are trying to make your relationship with food healthy and every normal person has a bad day or things crop up in their life and they do not have  melt down over it.

My cravings are getting less, I am enjoying finding new things to eat that are different but enjoyable.
I found Avalanche drinking chocolate last night at the supermarket but it is sugar free and I like that ! Its a nice treat and no guilt.. SOO me and I like that.

Now to get my butt moving more and I will get myself back to being fit and that helps the mental game too :)

Liking feeling not ill as well.. no chest infection no tummy issues just well .. apart form a little tired.. I feel normal!!

More photos in 10 days.. 0o0o

One day .....

Yesterday was a good day.. I managed my food well no binge eating no sugar filled anything. I made chicken vegetable and noodle soup with chili and garlic. It was devine !! I had it for dinner I felt full and warm .. aha warm maybe thats the issue I need to cook warm foods for dinner instead of salad all the time.
I had the soup again for lunch today and have placed three portions in the freezer for easy dinners..

I drank over three liters of water, with pure water and herbal and green tea. I feel better in myself but on the edge of it like this is just the beginning and it needs to become a habit.

I am going to make chickpea patties for dinner and have them with a salad I might cook some pumpkin and add them to it.. maybe. I need to think about my meals across a week and shop to those options. Wayne and I do not eat the same thing hardly ever. He is Mr processed foods man and well.. its not my style! At all.!!!

He is trying to get me to eat more red meat as I think the reason I am so tired and lethargic is due to low iron levels. But red meat does not appeal to me at all!!

Water is my new goal. 3 liters a day, I want o flush out the toxins and work hard to curbing my eating with water, as that has worked for me well in past.

I am off work today I am soo tired and dealing with a mega headache. I am trying to write reports.. its bloody hard.. I have 7 to go.. I can do it.. but maybe not all today! They are due in on Friday!

The weather is not playing ball I wouldn't mind getting out there for a walk this week.. but with this rain.. it may not be a go.

1 good day 2 bad days and I am still trying..

In my head.... all I hear is.... YOU have to do this for you... then I eat a chocolate biscuit.... GRR why... I am trying hard to DO THIS and work on why I am so drawn to food at the moment.

On the plus side.. I am trying..

Friday ended in take aways as the fiances brother turned up and thats what they had.. I had a taco salad and a medium peppermint milkshake.. ( that was the bad bit) ohh and a cider ... why because it had been on of those F*****g days and I needed to unwind a bit.. really its an excuse .. but it is what it is.

Yesterday I had toast, an apple at 12 and then I got all funny and felt sooo ill about 3pm I felt fain and sick and realised I hadn't eaten all day because I was busy cleaning and weeding and stuff. We went to bunnings, love that shop, and then went to the supermarket where I brought a hole lot of fruit and had a fruit salad for afternoon tea.

Then the boys turned up for the rugby, chips pizza garlic bread and rashun chocolate biscuits and beer.. I had no beer, only two biscuits, ( btw it was all cooked here but pre-packaged) and a small peice of pizza 6 chicken nuggets and 2 peices of garlic bread. I did have a few handfuls of chips as well.. STILL where are the veges! common Vic honestly.. I know better but I am over salad.

Today has been better.. I had breakfast and have sat down to write reports.. 9 done so far 15 to go.. kind of need to get them done they are due on Friday.

I am still full of some horrible bug. Its pissing me off I want to go for a walk.. DUMB.. and I want my bike back its at the inlaws. I am going to make Wayne go and get them I think one day this week.
Get on my bike 1 day in the weekend and walk 2-3 days a week till I get my weight down because I can not run at this weight it hurts my knees and hip..

The hard road out of hell...

I at times feel so trapped by how "big" I have become. I get angry and frustrated at myself for allowing myself to get to this state..

The last week I have comfort eaten like a crazy lady and I struggled to get back out of that. Being sick and coming to terms with the fact my grandparents may not be here much longer I have found very hard to accept.. My Nana is like my mum and I love her dearly.

My Nutrionist is helping me deal with my emotional response to binge eat and I feel like a am making baby steps, but they are baby.. I have also noticed I have no will power at times.. see food and eat it.. I honestly can not stop myself so I am working on this.

There is no real weight loss as there was weight gain BUT I am working on me.. That is what in the long run should stop a relapse back to this level of over weight-ness.

I need to find peace with myself and stop mentally abusing myself as it is not helping.

On the plus side work is super busy and it keeps me occupied in the evenings as I have reports and so many other things to do so thats good. Work is stressful but thats ok and I don't eat when I am busy.

The house is ticking along.. we plan to work a bite more outside this weekend and cleaning out the garage to try and get at least my car in there.

The fiance is amazing.. he really is.. all my issues and he still loves me for me.

PS: we are working on the getting married stuff.. celebrant visit next weekend. eeekk that makes it real... and honestly and I want to be a fit and healthy bride!