One day .....

Yesterday was a good day.. I managed my food well no binge eating no sugar filled anything. I made chicken vegetable and noodle soup with chili and garlic. It was devine !! I had it for dinner I felt full and warm .. aha warm maybe thats the issue I need to cook warm foods for dinner instead of salad all the time.
I had the soup again for lunch today and have placed three portions in the freezer for easy dinners..

I drank over three liters of water, with pure water and herbal and green tea. I feel better in myself but on the edge of it like this is just the beginning and it needs to become a habit.

I am going to make chickpea patties for dinner and have them with a salad I might cook some pumpkin and add them to it.. maybe. I need to think about my meals across a week and shop to those options. Wayne and I do not eat the same thing hardly ever. He is Mr processed foods man and well.. its not my style! At all.!!!

He is trying to get me to eat more red meat as I think the reason I am so tired and lethargic is due to low iron levels. But red meat does not appeal to me at all!!

Water is my new goal. 3 liters a day, I want o flush out the toxins and work hard to curbing my eating with water, as that has worked for me well in past.

I am off work today I am soo tired and dealing with a mega headache. I am trying to write reports.. its bloody hard.. I have 7 to go.. I can do it.. but maybe not all today! They are due in on Friday!

The weather is not playing ball I wouldn't mind getting out there for a walk this week.. but with this rain.. it may not be a go.

1 good day 2 bad days and I am still trying..

In my head.... all I hear is.... YOU have to do this for you... then I eat a chocolate biscuit.... GRR why... I am trying hard to DO THIS and work on why I am so drawn to food at the moment.

On the plus side.. I am trying..

Friday ended in take aways as the fiances brother turned up and thats what they had.. I had a taco salad and a medium peppermint milkshake.. ( that was the bad bit) ohh and a cider ... why because it had been on of those F*****g days and I needed to unwind a bit.. really its an excuse .. but it is what it is.

Yesterday I had toast, an apple at 12 and then I got all funny and felt sooo ill about 3pm I felt fain and sick and realised I hadn't eaten all day because I was busy cleaning and weeding and stuff. We went to bunnings, love that shop, and then went to the supermarket where I brought a hole lot of fruit and had a fruit salad for afternoon tea.

Then the boys turned up for the rugby, chips pizza garlic bread and rashun chocolate biscuits and beer.. I had no beer, only two biscuits, ( btw it was all cooked here but pre-packaged) and a small peice of pizza 6 chicken nuggets and 2 peices of garlic bread. I did have a few handfuls of chips as well.. STILL where are the veges! common Vic honestly.. I know better but I am over salad.

Today has been better.. I had breakfast and have sat down to write reports.. 9 done so far 15 to go.. kind of need to get them done they are due on Friday.

I am still full of some horrible bug. Its pissing me off I want to go for a walk.. DUMB.. and I want my bike back its at the inlaws. I am going to make Wayne go and get them I think one day this week.
Get on my bike 1 day in the weekend and walk 2-3 days a week till I get my weight down because I can not run at this weight it hurts my knees and hip..

The hard road out of hell...

I at times feel so trapped by how "big" I have become. I get angry and frustrated at myself for allowing myself to get to this state..

The last week I have comfort eaten like a crazy lady and I struggled to get back out of that. Being sick and coming to terms with the fact my grandparents may not be here much longer I have found very hard to accept.. My Nana is like my mum and I love her dearly.

My Nutrionist is helping me deal with my emotional response to binge eat and I feel like a am making baby steps, but they are baby.. I have also noticed I have no will power at times.. see food and eat it.. I honestly can not stop myself so I am working on this.

There is no real weight loss as there was weight gain BUT I am working on me.. That is what in the long run should stop a relapse back to this level of over weight-ness.

I need to find peace with myself and stop mentally abusing myself as it is not helping.

On the plus side work is super busy and it keeps me occupied in the evenings as I have reports and so many other things to do so thats good. Work is stressful but thats ok and I don't eat when I am busy.

The house is ticking along.. we plan to work a bite more outside this weekend and cleaning out the garage to try and get at least my car in there.

The fiance is amazing.. he really is.. all my issues and he still loves me for me.

PS: we are working on the getting married stuff.. celebrant visit next weekend. eeekk that makes it real... and honestly and I want to be a fit and healthy bride!

Gastroscopy !!

Today saw my visit to the specialist to have the gastroscopy done and finally they have actually diagnosed my issues instead of guessing. I have severe bile reflux and it has caused my stomach etc to become inflamed and sore etc too.

YAY finally I know what is wrong with me and can be medicated appropriately, well once the medication makes its way to Auckland, but hey a few more days I can manage I am sure.

I feel relief that this was not just all in my head and it is actually as bad as I have been feeling. I am the second worst case the Dr has ever seen. I am appreciative that this has finally been come to an end and hopefully by the time I go back to the hospital they can be like awesome you are sorted see you later.

In other news I have been following eating guidelines given to me from a nutritionist I contacted. I am feeling better in myself and have cut out coke zero and sugar free v from my diet and cut coffee down as we thought I have acid reflux, but this is not the case. I will continue to leave the coke zero and v out of my diet but I may have 2 coffees a day. I am actually kind of proud of myself for stopping drinking so much fizzy stuff. But I look forward to being able to drink soda and lime again and things like that. As well water and herbal tea... are boring at times.

Todays eating has been a bit odd.. I wasn't allowed to eat until after the tests etc and they sedated me etc as well so I have felt all outta wack all day and funny. I had a ha and egg sandwhich for breakfast and a smoothie for lunch and some fruit and dried fruit.. having pumpkin and kumera home-made soup for dinner and 2 peices of burgeon bread with marmite! YUM I love marmite!

I also took photos on moday of me in am PJ's and just a bra... yup not pretty and pretty in my face evidence but I need it to compare with as the months roll past..

Wedding is in less than a year.... time to get healthy so I can start married life in a good mental state about myself and about how I feel.

I was a 105.5 kgs on Monday... thats a huge number to me.. and it can only go down.

Update

I am struggling but have made the decision to see a nutrionist to see if they can help me .. I am also having my jadelle implant removed this week. I believe it's causing me a few issues as well. I'll go back on the pill I lost weight on the pill so hoping it's still all going to work for me.

I have tracked for three days and finally we are finding a routine in our home.

Now to wait for my hospital appointment for my reflux issues and hoping that its soon as its been effecting me worse than it ever has been.

Mental state of play

Today I slept in... I needed it. The reflux is worst at night which sees me up most of the night taking medication and just trying not to throw up. Its not pleasant and at times its demoralising and plain character breaking.

Once up I went for a walk/run and I had to fight hard with "that voice" just to get out the door. Thank god I did because this afternoon the weather gave way and it got cold!!!

At times that voice in my head it tries hard to convince me to do or not do all sorts of things. I hate it... but its hard to stop it. It's nasty too its mean and cruel and at times crippling. This voice is one of the biggest challenges I have... taming this voice again and getting it back in its cage are my priority at the moment.

My food today has been really good and on track I am proud of my choices. Especially the brown rice salad I made for lunch and dinner! Was delicious !

Water has been good too.

Tomorrow I am off to the GAFE summit for work! Should be great ! Food us provided ... challenge for me but I can do it !

Hello....

Sooo ... my life has been hectic and interesting and hard and bloody unfair since I last posted.

We have moved into our house. I love it! but we had 6 weeks to get it landscaped = huge stress for us and it's nearly completed just top soil and grass to go. Then we will put gardens in as we can afford them.

My reflux has gotten so bad its destroying my teeth and I have a raw throat all the time. It effects my sleep as I can't lie down without it creeping  up my throat and into my sinuses. I also spend time trying not to vomit etc Sorry tmi

I love my job! but its full on and so busy!

I stopped running  because of my reflux, worst decision I ever made ! never again will I stop exercising completely again, I need to exercise I need to move my body needs it and most of all I need the mental realease. 

Weight wise I have gained 5kg and I am so unhappy and unhealthy its gross and just not ok. So what to do..simple what I know is right.... eat well, sleep well, exercise some what.. STOP beating myself up about the past and work on the future.

We have booked a date for the wedding finally and  I refuse to be a fat bride and hate my photos.... Also we want to have children and I need to be as healthy as I can be for that too ( in a few years but still good motivation).

one day at a time ... no mental abuse about what was and could have been.