New month...

Hi all, 

Sorry for the wee absence. 

My Nan passed away on the 13th of January and well since then life has a been a bit up and down and I am struggling at times but I am getting there. I miss her immensely and its the small things, I cant chat to her about things and well just listen to her as she always made me feel better. 

Weight loss wise.. the scales are finally going down with me being able to be consistent and also I have been back at weight watchers for 2 meetings and I started the c25km challenge last week. I even ran last night between a meeting and school finishing so I didn't miss my run and could make it to the later weight watchers meeting as well.. 

I come first now. Me, my needs wants desires and dreams. 

We went to a wedding last friday and someone took a picture of my back and to my horror I had fat rolls.. I think that is currently what is giving me the passion to drive this forward as I do not want them in 12 weeks time to ruin or upset me on my wedding day. 

My weight loss to dates ( I went back to 110 odd kgs so since 28th ish of Jan) is about 2 kgs. I only lost 400 grams this week, I am thinking it could be the running or also the fact I skipped my sugar pills and started taking the next lot of normal pills on my contraceptive.. Who actually knows but I am just going to keep going. 

Focusing on myself

So in the last week I have been to a funeral, one of my school friends has passed away and my Nana has been told she has not got long to live. Now last year this would have sent me eating and binging for a good few days, instead I had one bad meal ( same day as funeral ) and I have moved on.

I went to weight watchers and weighed in I have gained 900 grams since the last time I went which I was happy with.

I am motivated! So far this week ( my weeks go Wednesday to Tuesday to match weigh in's) I have been for a 6 km walk and dug and lugged dirt around my garden for 2 hours solid, so I have earned 20 exercise points already which I am proud of as its only day three of my week.

Its nearly TTOM so the scales are all over the show but will settle next week I know they will show my hard work, and if they don't, I DON'T CARE I feel a lot better and I am mentally a lot healthier for the good food and the exercise and water.

Next week I will possibly head to dunedin, Nan does not have long they have said days to weeks, so things will go down hill and I will head down there to be support for my Grandad at that time. I WILL pack my exercise gear and walk for 60 mins each day to keep that mental balance for myself.
I also need to go into work and start working on my class and groups and things for this coming year I also need to do some planning and place things up on the walls etc. I cant lay out my classroom until after the cleaners come and that is annoying too. Wayne has said he will come and help me if I need him to at the weekends as I might end up in Dunedin right up until I need to be back at work etc.

Its hard but I am doing a lot better than I thought I would knowing what is happening and that I will basically lose my Mum in the coming weeks.

I need to go grocery shopping again today, run out of veg and fruit and Wayne has suggested I get my nails done next week after weigh in if I lose weight as a positive reinforcement, I may just do that.


PS: 4 months today until the wedding hehehe EEEEK can't wait!

Ohhh muscles hurt

Ohh ouch my muscles  hurt so I have walked 4kms today instead of the 7.75kms I have done  the past  two days. I am feeling better in myself and  my control eith sugar cravings is getting  better. I am trying really hard to not eat shit to and be balanced in my food choices but nit restrictive as I know this causes me to binge so trying hard. Water intake is good so far must keep it up.

I have been weighing myself  when I get up so the time varies which is giving me  funny weights but the general consenses is it going down so thats positive. I do know I will go up when  I weigh in at weight watchers on Wednesday but that's  ok as I go for the support and motivator instead of that bit.

Last  night I cooked a Mexican bean and mince  dish it was really unusual and an awesome change!

Today we are applying fir passports so we can book our honeymoon in  rarotonga ohh yes! I will  never wear a bikini but buying a nice swimsuit and  feeling  somewhat comfortable in it is good motivation to keep me on track. I also have split  the jobs  for the wedding up and  will make Wayne do some of it as I have done so much of it already! Trying to reduce my stress levels aswell.

Things are good, emotional eating is getting better.

Beating the mental battle

On the 2nd of January we had 2 people pass  away, one my friend from school and  my other halfs great uncle both from cancer and both diagnosed as terminal. Life at times is just so unfair but it goes on and as time goes  by we adjust and get used to the absence, never  forgotten  just absent  from the goings  on.

Today I called my Nan and  she was freezing  and  not feeling very well as she  has been having  chest pains. Sadly there is nothing  I can do for her but it still isn't very nice for her at all.

I choose not to eat my feelings and  I am trying to come to terms with the fact she may bot be here much longer.

I have walked today which I believe helps me with keeping things balanced mentally. Food is on track and  I am on my 2 nd bottle of water. I do have  control over this and my choices soo I will improve  my situation.

New year hopefully a better year

I have spent  the last 12 months going through periods of trying  to lose  weight  but nothing  has stuck really. I have counted calories ran, biked and gone  to the gym the result has been, another year  has gone  by and I am heavier than ever. There has been a few ups and downs  more than one would  ever like but that really isn't an excuse as I should learn to control my emotions and not eat etc but that is what happened. 2 deaths one very sick parent/grandparent work stress, house stress and wedding stress = me weighing in at 109.6 kgs today.

I am  not ashamed anymore  just bloody determined to sort out this wee mess.

I MUST:
*Put myself first others problems come  second
*Realise I can not fix everything
*Exercise  its good for my mind  body and  stress levels
*Stop blaming things and  people
*Treat myself better

Today I have walked tracked and  watered well so far.

I finally did something for me

I brought a wind trainer that I can attach to my bike so I can spin on wet days.
SOO today I went spinning.. my butt hurts but for the firs time in a long time I feel a hell of a lot better.

Moving forward... things are good..

I am pretty unhappy with what I see in the mirror, it scares the hell out of me. I really makes me so down on myself. I am so gutted with how far I have let this go, I only have one way to sort this out.. I need to exercise and be way more mindful about what I am eating .. I need to stop eating for no reason and letting my emotions get the better of me.
I can do this... I have done it before.. BUT I need to put me first.. I need to make exercise and what I need a bigger priority for myself.

I promise myself I am going to put myself first.

The reality of the situation

I have been seeing the nutrionist for 5 weeks and I haven't lost any weight ...... 

In that five weeks I have learnt to deal with stress and nail a lot of my binge eating in the head. 

But I am only just coping at the moment... My nana is in hospital, nana/mum. And it is killing me. My poor wee genadad is just coping with it all and I am left to feel usless and miles away from them. She is soo unhappy but mendically she is getting better. She is very very frail and just and no more getting better while other things are going wrong. She has lost so much weight by not eating as she has a few swill owing issues and she is losing her mental capacity which we are not to sure as to why. She is under there somewhere still my Nana... 

I am going back down there next week from Thursday night to Monday night... Adter I have been wedding dress shopping omfg... I am soo huge right now I am unsure how this will go and the effect it may have on me mentally. Let's hope I don't come out even. Ore down about my weight than I currently am. 

I am looking forward to seeing my girls in Wellington and hoping it will give me a chance to relax... Well her is hoping anyway. 

I plan to by an indoor cycle trainer this weekend so I can get moving. I am hoping that will improve my mental state and stress levels on my return from all my visiting. Since I can't get out walking ATM. 

I can do this..... I bloody well can.