Ohhh muscles hurt

Ohh ouch my muscles  hurt so I have walked 4kms today instead of the 7.75kms I have done  the past  two days. I am feeling better in myself and  my control eith sugar cravings is getting  better. I am trying really hard to not eat shit to and be balanced in my food choices but nit restrictive as I know this causes me to binge so trying hard. Water intake is good so far must keep it up.

I have been weighing myself  when I get up so the time varies which is giving me  funny weights but the general consenses is it going down so thats positive. I do know I will go up when  I weigh in at weight watchers on Wednesday but that's  ok as I go for the support and motivator instead of that bit.

Last  night I cooked a Mexican bean and mince  dish it was really unusual and an awesome change!

Today we are applying fir passports so we can book our honeymoon in  rarotonga ohh yes! I will  never wear a bikini but buying a nice swimsuit and  feeling  somewhat comfortable in it is good motivation to keep me on track. I also have split  the jobs  for the wedding up and  will make Wayne do some of it as I have done so much of it already! Trying to reduce my stress levels aswell.

Things are good, emotional eating is getting better.

Beating the mental battle

On the 2nd of January we had 2 people pass  away, one my friend from school and  my other halfs great uncle both from cancer and both diagnosed as terminal. Life at times is just so unfair but it goes on and as time goes  by we adjust and get used to the absence, never  forgotten  just absent  from the goings  on.

Today I called my Nan and  she was freezing  and  not feeling very well as she  has been having  chest pains. Sadly there is nothing  I can do for her but it still isn't very nice for her at all.

I choose not to eat my feelings and  I am trying to come to terms with the fact she may bot be here much longer.

I have walked today which I believe helps me with keeping things balanced mentally. Food is on track and  I am on my 2 nd bottle of water. I do have  control over this and my choices soo I will improve  my situation.

New year hopefully a better year

I have spent  the last 12 months going through periods of trying  to lose  weight  but nothing  has stuck really. I have counted calories ran, biked and gone  to the gym the result has been, another year  has gone  by and I am heavier than ever. There has been a few ups and downs  more than one would  ever like but that really isn't an excuse as I should learn to control my emotions and not eat etc but that is what happened. 2 deaths one very sick parent/grandparent work stress, house stress and wedding stress = me weighing in at 109.6 kgs today.

I am  not ashamed anymore  just bloody determined to sort out this wee mess.

I MUST:
*Put myself first others problems come  second
*Realise I can not fix everything
*Exercise  its good for my mind  body and  stress levels
*Stop blaming things and  people
*Treat myself better

Today I have walked tracked and  watered well so far.

I finally did something for me

I brought a wind trainer that I can attach to my bike so I can spin on wet days.
SOO today I went spinning.. my butt hurts but for the firs time in a long time I feel a hell of a lot better.

Moving forward... things are good..

I am pretty unhappy with what I see in the mirror, it scares the hell out of me. I really makes me so down on myself. I am so gutted with how far I have let this go, I only have one way to sort this out.. I need to exercise and be way more mindful about what I am eating .. I need to stop eating for no reason and letting my emotions get the better of me.
I can do this... I have done it before.. BUT I need to put me first.. I need to make exercise and what I need a bigger priority for myself.

I promise myself I am going to put myself first.

The reality of the situation

I have been seeing the nutrionist for 5 weeks and I haven't lost any weight ...... 

In that five weeks I have learnt to deal with stress and nail a lot of my binge eating in the head. 

But I am only just coping at the moment... My nana is in hospital, nana/mum. And it is killing me. My poor wee genadad is just coping with it all and I am left to feel usless and miles away from them. She is soo unhappy but mendically she is getting better. She is very very frail and just and no more getting better while other things are going wrong. She has lost so much weight by not eating as she has a few swill owing issues and she is losing her mental capacity which we are not to sure as to why. She is under there somewhere still my Nana... 

I am going back down there next week from Thursday night to Monday night... Adter I have been wedding dress shopping omfg... I am soo huge right now I am unsure how this will go and the effect it may have on me mentally. Let's hope I don't come out even. Ore down about my weight than I currently am. 

I am looking forward to seeing my girls in Wellington and hoping it will give me a chance to relax... Well her is hoping anyway. 

I plan to by an indoor cycle trainer this weekend so I can get moving. I am hoping that will improve my mental state and stress levels on my return from all my visiting. Since I can't get out walking ATM. 

I can do this..... I bloody well can. 

Hmmm.. thanks Dr Libby

After reading the below

1. Address overconsumption of food: If you do overeat at times even though you know you would be better off not doing so, then getting to the bottom of why you do this could change your life. Start by asking yourself what food means to you. If your answer is emotional e.g love, fun, comfort, then you need to explore your relationship with food.

2. Check your thyroid: The thyroid gland is a little butterfly shaped gland that sits in your throat area. It makes hormones that play an enormous role in your metabolic rate as well as your temperature regulation. The thyroid gland can become over-active or under-active and it is the latter scenario that can lead to weight gain that is incredibly difficult to shift until this issue is addressed.

3. Simple Swaps: Consider whether you are using caffeine to amp yourself up and wine to wind down. Simply swap caffeine for green tea and wine for sparkling water to give your nervous system a break, which can influence fat burning and appetite. 

From http://www.drlibby.com/weight-loss/why-cant-i-lose-weight/ 

Wow good thinking points for me! I have actually changed these things 1 and 3.. no thyroid issues for me been checked by Dr... 

BUT I needed to change my behaviors especially caffeine. I am starting to feel a lot better about things and about how the world is working for me. Even though work is full on nuts mad and I feel that 99% of the time I am chasing my tail and never get caught up on things. I am looking forward to the holidays and getting a break from the work side of life. 

Making good choices

I feel really balanced and I am learning to live with my choices and not beat myself up. I am learning to let things go and stop being so mentally abusive to myself.
I am working on this and tracking no matter what happens this week are my goal.

My nutritionist.. Nicola @ eatwellnz is soo lovely friendly and kind. She is not a big bad growl at you for falling off the wagon type. She is the we are trying to make your relationship with food healthy and every normal person has a bad day or things crop up in their life and they do not have  melt down over it.

My cravings are getting less, I am enjoying finding new things to eat that are different but enjoyable.
I found Avalanche drinking chocolate last night at the supermarket but it is sugar free and I like that ! Its a nice treat and no guilt.. SOO me and I like that.

Now to get my butt moving more and I will get myself back to being fit and that helps the mental game too :)

Liking feeling not ill as well.. no chest infection no tummy issues just well .. apart form a little tired.. I feel normal!!

More photos in 10 days.. 0o0o